Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Bald Eagle Family Planning

Aren't forwards the most delightful pests? When you are lonely, bored, sitting on a pile of unused bandwidth, sick of checking Orkut or Gmail, a blessed piece of useless trivia pops into your mailbox.

This one was slightly sane, and didn't curse me, cast me to hell or breach candy, warn me of dire consequences of never getting laid, if I didn't forward to 200 other hapless god-fearing souls who are afraid of impotence.

So, is a condom a better representative of American hegemony than the bald eagle? For the moment, disregard that and take a look at the text copy. How can a single 'condom' without an ‘s’, 'protect a bunch of dicks'? Which makes me wonder if this is either written in India or Pakistan by an enterprising businessman hoping to start a new trend in multi-use condoms that enable sharing?

Also, how does a condom destroy the next generation? There is definitely a hole in the entire scheme of progenization (if a term so exists), without a pun being intended. I wonder if this guy has heard of abortion? Or this really thought provoking and perhaps disturbing movie: Three Extremes. One of the 3 episodes, directed by a leading HK cinematographer, called 'Dumpling' explores human obsession with beauty and the lengths we are willing to sink to keep us bathing in the fountain of youth. The protagonist, a leading actress who is graying, visits a miracle healer who can make her younger, and the recipe, is dumplings. But these are no ordinary dumplings, they are made of fetuses. When the healer is arrested, our actress in a final twist, of desperation and human selfishness, aborts her own unborn baby in a bathtub and eats his tender but rich flesh for extending her youth.

That my dear reader, is human nature. Dog eat dog? Many of us have used cosmetics that contain the guilt of death of several animals. And if I may dare ask the fine folks at their ‘labaratoires’, pray tell me why? Why are we so drawn to superficiality? Are we that desperate for a unique identity? I know a dear friend who turns to kids for support and has had facial reconstruction studies. Sir Michael of Neverland.

On this note, my pooch Mr. Oxford wants me to take him for a walk, his daily workout, so he may preen in front of the mirror in admiration. Woof!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Quack Quack, Death Cab For Cutie PMS

What is with women and PMS?

If I were a warrior, I'm sure I'd prefer handling a Uzi sub-machine gun with a 'I love my mommy' sticker, a scud missle launcher with a built in mobile phone charger and cozy heater or perhaps a nuclear bomb with a 'do not touch' switch that has a picture of michael jackson's fake nose.

To be fairer to the fairer sex, men also go through a PMS-like stage. Esp, one that involves bitching, lusting after every gadget, being seduced by expensive cars and the slight hint of leg on any decently dressed chicalita.

Okay, so if both the sexes get moody and irrational for no reason, is there hope for mankind and britney spears and kevin whatever his name is?

I vote for Nostradamus, apparently he predicted a great war, between good and evil, black and white, colgate and pepsodent, maggi and top ramen. We will all die, two sun's will shine and a few cockroaches and pakistanis will survive, written in no order of prejudice or importance.

Which takes me to generals who preach democrasy after coming into power on a coup without grace. To repeat an opt repeated cliche, democrasy is a subtle blend of demoncrasy. Sometimes I toy with the idea of a communist society, where everyone is equal and drinks the same shitty coffee as the president of erstwhile China.

Imagine, getting coupons to buy such necessities as nutella, lindt 80% cocoa, extra-soft tampons, flavored condoms and playboy-like magazines? That would be a society of people who are not embaressed by anything, where kids know which birds did which bees, before their parents can lament a silent please!

Coming back to our topic, of PMS, and how mankind and womankind has suffered at the hand of hormones, I have one solution. Iced tea!