We are Indians, we don't have sex.

I was horrified when I read the front page headline of Hindustan Times on April 24th, 'Sex education class stayed again after MLAs protest'.

"Do you want sex guru or love guru in the classroom?" asked Nationalist Congress Party (NCP) legislator Nawab Malik.

What? How the hell does providing sex education correlate to having sex? When will these moronic politicians understand that sex education leads to safe sex. Since when is sex education equated by a sex or a love guru, are we forgetting the 'education' part of it? Sex ed doesn't teach you how to screw in 101 positions, rather they debunk your myths about sex, what's safe, what's not and what are the consequences if you do not practice safe sex.

Then there were 4 other quotes from our elected legislators who all shuddered at the thought of their kids learning about 'it' from professionals in school. Thye'd like their kids to learn the same way as they did, from blue films, smutty magazines and off course the internet now.

If you think, that one comment horrified you, listen to some more:

"In Europe the fertility is low, hence (the need for) sex education. Here, we have complaints of sexual harassment daily. What will this sex education lead to among our youngsters? Do you want a sex guru or a love guru in the classrooms?"
NAWAB MALIK, NCP MLA from Kurla

Sam's comment: Dude, have you met those Swedish girls? Or have you read those Durex surveys? Europeans are high up on s-e-x, the only difference is they are educated and know what a pain raising too many kids is, not to mention expensive.

"We need to first examine the education minister's brain. He always comes up with the most ridiculous suggestions. We will close all schools if this subject is made compulsory. It hits at the very roots of our culture."
RAMDAS KADAM, (Shiv Sena), the Leader of Opposition, represents Khed constituency in Konkan


Sam's comment: There there, sir, Mr. Leader of Opposition, let's not get personal and talk about brain. Let's restrict it to the other brain, shall we? How is any education that reduces the incidence of Aids, pregnancy and promotes safe sex ridiculous?

"It goes against all our religions. We don't want to spoil our children. There is a lobby that wants to push Westernised concepts and take us away from our traditions. Sex education is a part of this conspiracy."
MANGAL PRABHAT LODHA, BJP MLA from Malabar Hill

Sam's comment: Uhh, Sir, which religion do you follow? The last time I read, not too many religions spoke about sex, let alone sex education. Also, it takes a lot of people having a lot of unprotected sex to produce 1.1 billion beings. It ain't chance that got us to be the second most populous nation on Earth no? Shucks, if sex is a westernized concept, I guess we're all doing it to set that 1.1 billion record no?

"Last time when I spoke against sex education, I got calls from America and was pressurised from people there. But, the fact is this subject does not fit our society. There are so many complaints of girls being sexually abused by teachers. What will happen if we allow sex education? "
SHOBHA PHADNAVIS, BJP MLA from Savli constituency in Chandrapur

Sam's comment: Seriously, who wants to listen to those smart-alecky Americans. They said there were WMD's in USA, and look how wrong they were no? Also, since politicos rarely listen to people in their own constituency, why should you listen to Americans, again? Imagine, if more girls know what sex is, what's abuse, and start opening their mouth? Gosh, that would lead to more culprits being booked? Now we don't want that, do we? *wink*

Final analysis: Geezus HWDK Christ! What in the world is wrong with these people? It's lack of sex education which leads to teachers abusing students? And Indian culture? Heck, aren't we the land that taught the world how to screw in 108 positions (Kamasutra), and visualized that in a monument (Khajurao). How in the name of any god, did we become the second most populous nation, it'll always amaze me *naive look*?

What horrifies me is that ignorant attitudes prevail across the political spectrum. Who do I vote for if all parties are equally obnoxious and primitive?
I do hope the foreign educated, sons of ministers, a la Rahul Gandhi, tell these guys about the birds and bees.

The discussion should not be about 'we don't need sex ed, it will make our kids have sex', but rather 'when is the right age to tell our kids about sex', and how we want to ensure our population remains under control.

Once again, I get the feeling, we are a very primitive people. I wonder what our founding fathers would be thinking? Sigh!

Pepsi's Junkistan

There are 5 reasons why I think the new Pepsi 'Youngistan' commercial is absolutely 'lamus maximus':

1) The extent to which these morons would do anything for a Pepsi is ridiculously ridiculous? Why the hell would that moron pretend to be an alien from Youngistan, all that for a Rs. 8 bottle of Pepsi? Got to a bloody store and buy one. Or ask me, I will buy you one. Its not a big deal. It's so cheap, even Ebay doesnt stock it.

2) Since when is Pepsi an aspirational brand that you would stake your life for it? It's not like thumbs-up, now that's a man's drink, where an old 50+ actor totals his car, breaks all his bones for a bottle of another Rs. 8 drink.
The last time I checked, even our local paanwala was gulping down mouthfuls of both Peepsee and Thumbs-down, thinking he would kill all the worms in his tummy with the rotten acidified colored soda water.

3) In the second Pepsi ad, where the moron gives a sermon on how 'Youngistan' started out as a joke, and then he gets in trouble when he drinks that fat bikers pepsi. First of all, what is a fat, hair biker doing in a college canteen? Also, A pepsi is not a bloody Jaguar, if he drank a scary dude's pepsi, goddamnit, buy another one? Sheesh, for 8 bucks you don't need to look like you committed a mortal sin. Noone ever died for a Peepsee, but several thousand have died after drinking it.

4) Did I mention, it's a goddamn Pepsi guys, colored/ flavored acidified soda water, not a frickin' Jaguar. There is a monumental difference between an aspirational product for which you would kill your own mother, and a Pepsi, for which you would fool a moronic Shahrukh Khan into believing you are an alien, just because you have a Dish TV aerial stuck on your head from Shahrukh's other ad.

5) Youngistan? Isn't that risky? What if Bush misunderstands and sends out his minions to find those weapons of mass distraction? I wouldn't want to be Indra Nooyi when that happens. The last time I checked, we were Indians, and aliens were restricted to ex-files and in small green huts on Mars.

6) I know I promised 5, but I can't resist a 6th lament. If you drink Peepsee boys and girls, you will become mush like Shahrukh Khan, and allow a moron to 'protect' your sister, since you trust aliens to outsource your job too. Why not a pug? Also, if you drink some more Peepsee, you would become a youngistani, you'd lose all interest in 'that', and only long for a Peepsee. So if you want to lose your mojo, drink up that Peepsi and become Youngistani *at your own risk*

Dr. Vodaphony Pug-lovers or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Bomb Their Ad Campaign

There are 10 reasons why I 'hate' the new Vodaphone ad & as the brits say, it's absolutely rubbish *pronounced as 'robbish':

1) Since when are 5 year old kids left unsupervised, that too with a dog.

2) Where the hell are the nannies or au-pairs?

3) Why is a dog parenting the child? Getting her ready for school, licking her stamps (which is incidentally dangerous for the pug), essentially why is he/ or she her dog father or dog mother? I have inside information the pug is a he.

4) Didn't her mommy ever tell her not to write to strangers, not when you don't know how to write at age 5? Then why the hell is she writing a letter to someone, when she cannot even stick a stamp on straight?

5) Who lets their kid 'fish' at age 5? That too unsupervised by the lake.

6) Animal cruelty? The poor pug runs with the dumb kids tie.

7) In some print ads, the kid is hurt, and the dog gets her a medical bag. I have heard of illiterate Munnabhai's becoming para-medicals, but a dog who is a medic? Where the hell are the real medics? What sort of cheap ass school allows dogs to take over as medics? Someone call the school board. For all we know, the principle is a large Alsatian named 'Tommy'.

8) A very lazy creative agency ad team, an even stupider client. Why the hell would they take 1 year to get the goddamn pug back? Apparently, their market research suggested, none of the other Vodaphony ads were working, they had no central theme, and they need a pug to convey their proposition. Their competitor Airtel has a dad who is drawing pictures in the sky with his daughter, so Vodaphony decides to get the cutesy back in their ad.

9) What the hell does this ad mean? That their goddamn network remains in range, I can hear several million Vodaphony users snicker and say 'Haha, as if'. All this ad makes me do is think about adopting a pug, not buy a cell phone, or produce a kid and then buy a cell phone (not necessarily in that order).

10) Most of all, 6 year old kids SHOULD NOT BE GIVEN A GODDAMN CELL PHONE. Though I agree with this being an ad for SPCA, where dogs are a kids/ man's best friend and should be respected, as they are one of the familia.

Next up, is another moronic ad, 'Youngistan'.

Slum Tours Anyone?

Often the weirdest occurrences occur, especially ones you would not think possible.

Who would have imagined some day Dharavi, Asia's largest slum would be a tourist attraction?

I doubt inhabitants in Dharavi would be able to afford what Bill Clinton and Prince Charles experienced.

Visit this link to book your private tour: http://www.realitytoursandtravel.com/slumtours.html

I wonder what they would retail as merchandise after the slum tour? Garbage pellets? Leather works residue? Recycled Sewage memorabilia.

Experience it before Dharavi becomes extinct, a la eco-tourism. Dharavi is slated to be 're-developed' to create urban squalor for the have's. I doubt UNESCO would jump to declare it a heritage site.

As per the slum tour website, 80% of the profits are shared with NGO's who work to better this soon-to-be-extinct community.

Next time you are in Mumbai, don't forget to slum it out.